Full of Grace - Sarah McLachlan

“I feel just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place”

-

Please don’t try and interpret this. I like the song.

I haven’t self harmed. It has been ok. I haven’t struggled as much as I thought I would. Today I’m distracting myself.

I know I shouldn’t let it effect me, but I had my leaving do from Thomas Cook and Weatherspoons (pub) last night. 3 people turned up. I can’t wait to leave this place but I can’t be arsed to put in all the effort to make new friends and start all over again.

I want a home.

“So its better this way, I said
Having seen this place before.” - I know I can cope, I’ve been here so many times before. Things are getting me down. I can cope. I *think* want to alone at the moment.

I want a hug from The Big Guy up ‘there’ and a whisper in my ear to say “it’s going to be OK,” but I feel so so far away from Him and I miss it.

June 25th, 2009 at 11:55pm by Kita

So far, so good.

I seem to be doing well. Better than I expected.
Trying to be positive seems to be working so far. Don’t get me wrong, I have had ‘down’ moments but I’m ignoring them.
There’s a couple of things that I’m finding it hard to ignore.
Meh.
They can wait.

Add comment June 10th, 2009 at 10:15pm by Kita

Not too bad :)

Yesterday we had a few friends round for a leaving Reading BBQ. It was really good fun. Even though it rained and I had to work in the evening, I had a really good time. Genuinely laughed until my belly hurt I love that kind of laughter. So today I’m feeling pretty happy. Plus I’ve just bought some new shoes ; THEY’RE PINK AND SPOTTY! :D

I’m worried I’m going come down to earth with a thud but at the moment I’m enjoying being happy.

2 comments June 7th, 2009 at 02:13pm by Kita

This is going to sound silly

From now on I’m going to try and be honest on this blog, instead of acting like everything’s OK. I’m going to try and be open, to be true,  to say things I can’t say to people’s faces.

It’s making me nervous writing this, my heart is thumping, knowing that I’m going to be sharing with people reading this blog. Opening my heart.

I’m not saying I’m going to be moaning 24/7. I am going to try and not be fake anymore.

I’m really going to try and post every day with positives and negatives.

This doesn’t mean when/if I meet you and you ask me “How are you?” I’m going to answer honestly. I don’t think I can commit to that much yet.

I’m going to give my account of trying to stop self harming. It’s been 2 weeks and 3 days since I last cut. It was over a 3 months before that. Last night I was close, but I didn’t do it. Even though I still would love to cut right now, I’m glad I have self control and I’m finding excuses to not do it. I can’t look at my left forearm because I’d be one step closer to doing it.

If you do see me in person, please don’t ask how this is going. I can’t share with you. One day I’ll be able to. Not today.

*Edit* just hitting the ‘Publish’ button is really hard! I don’t want to commit to this but deep inside I don’t want to harm anymore.

2 comments June 6th, 2009 at 12:47pm by Kita

The past couple of days have been hard for me. I’ve really been struggling and trying not to cut.

Have any of you heard of Post Secret? I read the postcards every Sunday. Last Sunday one came up that hit home. Something to do with the charity, To Write Love On Her Arms.

The girls’ story that their following, Renee, is just so inspiring. This is her account of things three years on after rehab.

link

I need to learn to be transparent/vulnerable. I need to learn that my scars are my storyboard, not my hell.

Work is so stressful. Doing a week at Thomas Cook and then another couple of shifts at the pub is really taking it’s toll. I haven’t been sleeping well at all. I’ve been grumpy and snapping at people which is making me feel worse- I don’t want to be horrible to these people. Having to compromise with the wedding and trying to find ways round thing so they don’t cause arguements. Moving house, again.

It’s really hard to deal with without cutting. For me anyways.

June 6th, 2009 at 12:12am by Kita

Oh. Pants.

We’ve organised for a couple of people coming over for a leaving party as we’re moving out of Reading in 3 weeks. It’s due to rain.

Pants.

Add comment June 5th, 2009 at 06:33pm by Kita

I’ve had a good long chat

with a good friend tonight.
I’m goint to try and be more positive.
I’m going to remind myself of this; “Make everyday count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.”

Please remind me of this when I complain.

Random fact I learnt today, did you know it takes approx 7 hours to fly from one end of  Australia to the other. That’s the same flight time as Heathrow to Dubai.

5 comments June 3rd, 2009 at 12:30am by Kita

Memories

I was thinking in the shower this morning, how I should write down all of my favourite childhood memories. I have no idea which one is my all time favourite but I’m going to name a few:

When Dad taught me to ride my bike I think it was my birthday or something, I’d gotten a new pink bike with white handles. I loved it. Dad put stabilizers on and took me to The Green. He showed me how to peddle by holding the back end of the bike up and then let me loose. He ran after me for a while to make sure I was OK. But I didn’t ask how to brake or steer. I went into a fence at the bottom the hill We laughed about it a lot afterwards, not at the time though!

At Easter, Mum and Dad used to write us clues to little easter eggs, once we found 1 clue it would direct us to the next clue and eventually a big easter egg at the end. They used to hide it them in the oven, the rabbit food tin in the garden, etc. It was awesome fun! One year I didn’t get a large egg at the end of the clues, I got a dolls house! Grandad Redding had made it all from scratch and decorated all the inside and out. It had little flower boxes on the windows, pebbles up to the front door, a kitchen sink and everything. I loved it!

I remember feeling so sick at Grandma (Joy’s) house at Christmas. I wouldn’t tell Mum because she’d stop me eating the sweets Grandma had out. Every Christmas she sets up a whole table full of chocolate, sweets, dates and nuts. Me and my cousin Brad used to pig out on them until we got told off as we’d gone green! Oh! and I remember taking it in turns to decorate the Christmas Cake. Each one of the cousins took it in turn each year to help Grandma decorate it. Normally it would look awful but everyone complimented it, never ate it, but complimented it the same! (I’ve only found out about the non-eating-it part in later years).  Christmas memories are the best I think. Grandma and Grandad’s house was and still is SO much fun.

I remember on my last day of primary school before I moved to Tackley we had a ‘ball’ type party. I really liked this guy called Kieran Doyle but my friend was going out with him. I went to sulk in the bathroom and as I walked out a guy ran through the door as I grabbed the handle to open it and I got my hand trapped between the handle and the wall and had to go the nurses office. Mum got called because they thought I might have to go to A&E. I was adamant that it wasn’t broken, as I wanted to get back to the party. When they let me back, Kieran saw my had and let me slow dance to the last song (one armed) with him. Pathetic I know, but a memory non the less

There’s so many more memories but I can’t think of any good ones to share at the moment.  Makes me kind of wish Mum and Dad didn’t divorce, we used to have so much fun together. Meh. Life goes on.

I realised this weekend I don’t like change. Even if it might work out better in the long-run. I don’t want to move from Reading because I’m happy there. I do want to move to Southsea, don’t get me wrong, and I know I’m being really silly, but I’m scared that when we move I wont be as happy, or things will turn out for the worse. I’d rather stay were I am. Change happens and I need to just get over it. I simply don’t like it most of the time.

Wow. long blog post.

2 comments May 23rd, 2009 at 12:15pm by Kita

Today

Both me and Dan have the day off. Well actually we’ve got the whole weekend off.

Today we’re going back to Oxford. Tomorrow we’re going to Southsea and trying to find another flat to rent (the one we wanted the agent mucked up and we couldn’t get in unfurnished). On Friday evening we’re going to see show at Oxford’s New Theatre with Dan’s family. Saturday night I’m working at the pub. Sunday I’m meeting up with my Mum, Aunty Bev, Tara and Grandma for lunch and in the evening we’re going to Dad & Dee’s for dinner.
So we’ve got quite a busy weekend.
Monday and Tuesday I know I’ve got things planned but can I remember what I’m meant to be doing or where I’m meant to be? nope. Woops.

P.S. Has anyone used Spotify? I’ve just started using it and it’s awesome! You should try it. It’s cross between iTunes and a radio station, but it’s free. I’m listening to Wicked! the musical at the moment

P.P.S Happy 21st Birthday Olivia!

P.P.P.S Does anyone feel like it’s been 4 years already?

1 comment May 21st, 2009 at 09:53am by Kita

Place in Southsea

We’ve had our holding deposit refunded. They couldn’t get our flat unfurnished (as they’d previously agreed and advertised). It sucks.
We’re having to take time out this weekend to search for another place to live.

Add comment May 18th, 2009 at 10:07pm by Kita